Google search words

Guys, I’m not Luke Mockridge’s Girlfriend!

The google search term, that (mis)directs most visitors to my page is: „Luke Mockridge Freundin“. (Luke is a German comedian and Freundin is German for girlfriend.) Since when did my website become just the girlfriend of someone else? Isn’t it so much more than just Luke’s girlfriend? His father maybe? (This is the first and only Star Wars reference on my website ok). So now, whenever my website gets extraordinary traffic, I get immediately suspicious. I mean I’m awesome but not that awesome that thousands of people a day check out my open mic dates. Damn right: Whenever visits go up, I found out it’s either Chinese hackers or Luke’s fans. (Don’t think they overlap).

According to google, there are four Ingrid Wenzels in Germany. One has a hardware store, one is a doctor and one runs a gay club in Bochum. I’m the comedian, just making sure okay. I get it why some look for a different Ingrid and accidentally find me. Just recently, a man emailed me and asked me if I can rent out the gay club to him. But also every day, people search something completely differently – not even remotely Ingrid-related – and still get directed to my website. And thanks to google analytics, I know now what these people were originally looking for.

 

Screenshot (Freundin = girlfriend).

 

 

This picture is brought to you by my awesome photo editing skills

 

 

How did it happened that my number one search term is “Luke Mockridge Freundin”? And why do people search/wish/are afraid that I’m Luke’s girlfriend? The answer is pretty dull. (And if you belong to the elite, that has read my old infamous blog, before it got hacked, you can skip this paragraph.)

Google’s algorithm simply mismatched my usage of the word “Freundin” in one of my old blog post with the picture of me and Luke from a comedyshow in another posting. So whenever you try to find out who his girlfriend is and click on “google picture search” – you’ll see that pic of me. To make matters even worse, it’s a pic where we hold hands – just for fun. It’s not what it looks like. I deleted my website months ago for safety reasons (damn hackers). But that rumor is still out there. The internet doesn’t forget. Not even rumors it created itself. So here’s the Corpus Delicti:

 

This is not what it looks likes (c) Nightwash

 

Besides that, these many searches may have changed the algorithm and thus the suggestions, that pop up after my name, when searching for me. You know, it’s like when you type into google “why are all Russians…”, “all men want…” and you’re shocked by what google presents you after those dots. Actually, nowadays you can sue google, if you’re not happy with whatever insults pops up after your name. So did Germany’s former First Lady, because google suggested “prostitute” for her name. One of my girlfriends googled my name recently and was suggested „Ingrid Wenzel girlfriend“. She was like „do they mean me?“. Or are people trying to figure out if I am a lesbian? I’m totally cool with it. As long as they stop googling “Ingrid Wenzel Weight” and “Ingrid Wenzel Age”. Like I’m sort of a quartet card game. “The Comedians edition”. Ah, my Louis CK card beats the Ingrid Wenzel card, in weight. But there are more absurd search words! May I now present to you marvelous search terms, that mislead people to my homepage:

 

Who’s my girlfriend?

 

 

Best of Search Words:

Even though I finally found an explanation for this “girlfriend situation”, I often can’t explain other search words. How big of a disappointment is my website to those, who got here searching „getting tattooedod today“ and „Männerstrip im Dorfkrug“. Sorry I can’t provide that (yet).

Other search terms are more personal, e.g. „wedding first night with Inge“.
I mean, I’m also dying to find out how my first wedding night will be. Maybe I should google it, too. Or maybe they were just searching for my favorite Baseball player Brandon Inge. And his wedding night. Which is weird, too. Unless there was some crazy Baseball action involved. Then I wanna know as well.

Detroit Tigers Wedding Gown

 

 

There are some more search words, which lead to me, that I’m actually happy about.  Someone googled „room heater for comedy events“ and somehow got to me. Thanks I guess? Where I perform the room blows up. Also, do “room heater for comedy events” not work in other facilities?

Others are random like “bean art project”, “German party snack” and “DJ Ingeborg” (Granted: Sometimes, when I think my name „DJ Ingrid“ is too cool, I name myself „DJ Ingeborg“ to not intimidate people). One other recurrent search word theme is “trash”. Totally fine with that. I love trash. How else would I craft my collages and low budget birthday presents.

 

room heating devices

 

Bean Art Project (c) Takao Sakai / Wenzel

 

My biggest Achievement in life: When you google “German party snack”, this photography of mine comes up on page four. (c) Wenzel

 

 

 

trash related search words: “castrop-rauxel sperrmüll onlinedienst”, “müllmann mottoparty reeperbahn falsch”, “männer von stadtreinigung”, “suchbild frau Müll”, “trashmen fetish”

 

 

I now installed new SEO programs. Because Ingrid means big business. No, geez, I just hope to provide you with more silly search words soon! Keep googling!

Love,

Dj Ingeborg, SEO

 

 

Comedy Hosting

I love hosting comedyshows. And I love hosting comedians.
My guest couch has seen more comics than civilians. And lovers.
If my comedy career won’t take me around the globe, I might as well open a hotel and let the comedy world come here. Last Wednesday, I hosted my Show Stand-up for the Ladies with three comics from out of town.
We had 7 female stand-up comedians in one show, is that German record? And also three amazing male comedians. From a newcomer’s second performance ever to professionals, who have been doing Comedy for decades – Thanks everyone for coming! Next episode is February 22nd. And thanks to Sergey Sanin, we got some great shots from the show (for more pics, click on the link):

 

From left to right: Ingrid Wenzel, Thomas Schwieger, Sarah Schmerse, Jacqueline Feldmann, Don Clarke, Lena Liebkind & Birte Rehberg (c) Sergey Sanin

 

 

Ingrid Wenzel, Regina Pichler, Sarah Schmerse, Lena Liebkind // Birte Rehberg, Christin Jugsch, Jacqueline Feldmann, Feli rockt // Axel Schossen, Don Clarke, Thomas Schwieger (c) Sergey Sanin

 

 

Love these gals! (c) Sergey Sanin

Improv Comedy: Oh! Kult!

Improv Comedy is my quirky balance to stand-up comedy. It’s like creative cooking versus strictly following a baking recipe. And at the end, it turns out to be a drink. With a fancy straw. I learned it in San Francisco. And my improv buddy Regina in New York. Together we are Push Any Button Improv from Hamburg.

Before I reveal some news about projects this year, I wanted to share some pictures with you from one of our past performances: Oh! Kult! One afternoon in late fall, Regina and me sat in an underground cave in Hamburg’s artsy district Gängeviertel at Urbane Kunstkammer Festival. Foods, music, arts, exhibitions, urban culture and us. Yeah I wrote Foods first, cuz that’s all I think about. And us last cuz I’m polite. But also, because we were in the darkest and most mysterious corner:

Guests explored the narrow and dingy underground hallways. Neon lit art and dj sounds guided them to us: two mediums (the third one, Günther, couldn’t come cuz he’s a truck driver and was, at that time, on Autobahn 2). We invited all interested guests to take part in our Silly Séance with creative tarot cards. Playfully superstitious, never serious but always sincere with our guests. Everyone experienced an entertaining and friendly fortune-telling session. If the cards weren’t right enough, we interpreted the shapes of our lunch box tin foil. 

The result: an extraordinary, individual improv performance. And everyone got a personalized tarot card to take home:

Thank you Stefan Karstens, Stimmungsfänger, for coming by to take our photos!

 

Ingrid and Regina welcoming their guests inside the cave at Urbane Kunstkammer (c) Stimmungsfänger

 

Artsy Tarot Card Reading (c) Stimmungsfänger

 

Exhibition of some of our hand crafted tarot cards. Most popular was the glitter Arschkarte.

 

This photo was taken during a short Oxygen break (c) Stimmungsfänger

 

And here are some of the results: These are the hand made cards we crafted for our guests (1/2)

 

(2/2)

 

Further reference in German: Urbane Kunstkammer More photos: here

 

 

 

I’m not a real Dj

I’m not a real DJ. In fact, I’m a fake DJ. Just don’t tell anyone, will you?

 

I just casually wear my headphones to look like a DJ.

 

Let’s say your profession is a technician. Strangers walk up to you and say „you’re not a real technician“! How would you react?
— „You’re right, I’m not a real technician, I’m actually a hair dresser and you’re the only one who noticed.“

On a somewhat regular basis, party guests tell me (or yell at me) that I am not a „real DJ“. Often, it’s the first thing they do when they enter the club. It’s their version of saying hello. And they don’t even need alcohol for that! And mostly, it’s men. I blew their mind by being a DJane. I don’t get it. It’s 2017. Everyone is a DJ. Everybody has a playlist and an opinion. And thanks to the Internet, everyone now thinks their opinion matters. If there was a DJ university, I would do my PH DJ. Just to show critics my sweet DJ Diploma. But the reasons for being a “fake DJ” are numerous, as I explain later.

 

„You’re not a real DJ.“
„Right, I am not a real DJ. I am actually a crêpe cook and mistook those turntables for hotplates.“

 

 

 

DJane or Crêpe cook?

 

 

  • Someone always hates the DJ.

 

DJs get much attention. DJs are admired but, at the end of a party, someone always hates the DJ. If Raymond was a DJ, not everyone would love him. No matter how much I I try to please everyone, one person always hates. And since that one person recently found out that this guy at a party, who introduced himself as an artist, is not a „real artist“ and actually works at a coffee shop, and thus is inflating the title for all „real artists“, one becomes a little more cautious and investigative. I get it. Sometimes, people just start yelling, when I don’t immediately play their song.

That is why, whenever someone questions my job (or worse, existence), I don’t get offended. I simply ask them „why?“.
The answers are numerous, diverse, and I swear, not made up:

 

  1. „You’re not a real DJ because you don’t have LPs“,
    (typically uttered at a party with hundreds of guests, where I play music from gazillion different genres and decades and also respond to song requests for ten hours straight and where a box of LPs, just to prove I’m a „real DJ“, won’t get me far.)
  2. „You’re not a real DJ because you use Tractor, because real DJs don’t use computer programs.“ Yes, and real writers type on a typerwriter and not on a notebook.
  3. „You’re not a real DJ because you just play a playlist, right? Because once I also made a playlist for my grandpa’s birthday party and that party wasn’t good so yours can’t be good either“.
  4. „You’re not a real DJ because you’re using mp3s and I read on Huffington Post that David Guetta once forgot his usb stick and couldn’t dj so you can’t either.“
  5. „You’re not a real DJ but I am. I don’t get why you’re booked tonight and I’m not.“
  6. „You’re not a real DJ because you’re a woman. Where’s your boyfriend, he must be the real DJ.“ (If you’ve seen me on stage, I made an entire comedy bit on this sadly often recurrent accusation. Or is that meant to be a pick up line?)

 

 

 

“Can I offer you another pancake?” © Scandic Hotel Hamburg / Toni Momtschew

 

  • Being no „real DJ“ has changed the way I work.

 

I usually assumed a good DJ is someone, who can make a crowd work, a client happy, and a club prosperous – whether it’s LPs, mp3, tractor, female or male, electro or rock.
Nowadays, whenever I meet a client beforehand, I feel I need to say that I don’t have a set playlist. I feel the need to justify why it’s good to be flexible and thus not use LPs.
I feel the need to explain that, as a DJ for private and corporate events, it’s not about forcing my artisan music on the client. It’s about choosing the right song like a journalist choses the right word. And it shouldn’t matter if a journalist writes on paper or online.

 

(c) Demetri Martin

 

  • What does a „not real DJ“ do?

 

Being a DJ often means neglecting the perfect mix, and instead cheer up the nervous maid of honor, who’s about to give her speech.
It’s not about showing off my turntables but showing the host how to use the microphone correctly.
It’s not about playing my music but, in dubio pro festo, play what the people right now on the dance floor would like. Even if it’s I’ve Been Looking For Freedom.
It’s about asking the caterer when the food is ready so I can time the music and speeches.
It’s about clearing the packed dance floor the most gentle way, when the company boss tells me „can you make the party be over in four minutes and not make me look bad?“.

 

 

 

Dj Ingrid: distinguishing between small talk, misogyny and flirting since 2013

 

  • Guide about how to talk to a DJ (taken from the guide „how to talk to humans“).

 

Lastly, I want to give you a quick guide about what to say to a DJ other than „are you the dj?“:

  1. Smile, say hello, maybe your name, state your issue politely
  2. Don’t accuse, if you have a question ask neutrally and listen

Guess what, most DJs are kind and social (except those who became hardened misanthropes). We work with some of the most fun resources in the world: music. We love to have a good time.
We like people who give us thumbs up. We like people who say „eh, personally not my music but you’re doing a great job with the crowd. I’m a guest at this party so I don’t expect my music to be played.“ Some will be surprised when DJs answer „personally, not my music either, but that’s not what it’s about here. Cheers!“ If I write my DJ autobiography one day, it’ll be called “Privat hör ich ja was anderes”.

 

Djing before it was cool (c) my mom