Some thoughts on pants and dresses

I once saw a wardrobe at a museum that could have been mine.  It had a sign „coats, please no pants“. (Their emergency exit plan’s sign was „this is no artwork“ and their toilet paper labeled „for free“. So yes, a great museum right up my alley).

Personally, I don’t wear pants. I hate them. I only wear dresses. A flowing fabric, basically a fancy blanket, that I wrap around my slack body. Wear a dress and you’re good to go! Unless you’re actually wearing a blanket, dresses will always make you look fashionable. People mistake my laziness for style. With pants, you have to match a top and a bottom. Really, who has time for that? Dresses are cold? Always have tights in your purse, like a good robber.

I’m short and therefore I only wear dresses that go just above my knees. Anything substantially longer makes me look like a character from The Handmaid’s Tale.
I once visited my friend Cindy in Uganda and didn’t check the dress code before (a tourist’s Russian Roulette). In Uganda, it’s perfectly okay to go topless. But it is not okay to show your knees. Yeah! Your filthy, revealing, overly sexual knees, you dirty thing you! Since I didn’t do my research, I got there with my short dresses. I had nothing appropriate to wear. I was a disgrace to her. And my tiny friend’s pants didn’t fit me. Ugh, see, pants again! I ended up wearing her curtains. I hid behind one, rolled myself in it and in a elegant pirouette I ripped it off the wall and on my body. Good to go! Still better than pants!

Pants suck because they have to fit well. If too long, you drag them through the mud. Or cuff them and tell people „they’re supposed to be like that“. (But deep down you know you look ridiculous. And promise yourself next time you don’t give up shopping jeans that fast).
A knee long dress is too long? Fine, they may cover my filthy knees then. A dress too big? Fine, I’ll use a belt and constrict myself until I look like a hot balloon dog. A dress to tight? I throw it in the closet and cry “I will loose weight at some point for sure“.

So, here, I have some shopping advice for you: Before getting ill fitted clothes, humble yourself and go to a mean but honest shop assistant. Advice and insult often live on the same street. A saleslady once told me „nah, don’t get that black dress. It emphasize your dark circles and wrinkles.“ Um, excuuuuse me? And also, get me all the white dresses you have. (I did almost punch her in the face though for saying „white is en vogue in Pari“.)

Here are some more jeans trends that I first posted on my instagram stories. They’re all inspired by my last unsuccessful shopping trip:

 

Kiten kann tödlich sein – Book Release

„Kiten kann tödlich sein – Machen Sie doch bitte Ihre eigenen Fehler“

So heißt das neue Buch von meinem Comedykollegen Thomas Schwieger. Und ich hab’s illustriert. Obwohl ich nie Kiten war, sondern nur mal fast vor Sylt ertrunken wär.

Worum geht’s in der Neuerscheinung? Hier der Klappentext:

Als Kind, aufgewachsen in der DDR, hatte Thomas nur einen Traum: einmal im Baumhaus übernachten.
 Mit 34 Jahren ist es soweit. Sein Schulfreund Chris hat ein Baumhauswochenende an der Ostsee entdeckt, allerdings mit einer Bedingung: Thomas muss am Kitesurf-Kurs teilnehmen.
Schnell stellt Thomas fest, Kitesurfen ist wie das Leben: du brauchst Geld, Talent und Rückenwind. Nichts davon hat er.
Doch todesmutig stellt er sich aufs Brett, denn eines ist ihm klar: der Weg in seine persönliche Freiheit gelingt dieses Mal nur über den Kampf und Sieg über die Naturgewalten, den Drachen und die verdammten Schnüre.
Thomas Schwieger ist heute frei, trägt auch privat Neopren und arbeitet erfolgreich als Stand-Up Comedian, Moderator und Autor in Hamburg.

“Kiten kann tödlich sein” steht Ende April in den Läden. Hier geht’s zum Vorverkaufslink.

Am 26.4. feiern Thomas und ich zusammen in Hamburg die Veröffentlichungsfeier. Nicht alleine, ihr könnt auch kommen: Hier geht’s zur Einladung. Es gibt Getränke. Thomas wird zum Vorleseonkel. Ich erzähle davon, wie man ein Buch illustriert, trotz zeitgleicher Deadline mit dem Autor und panischer Angst vor Wasser. Und alle dürfen mal Thomas’ Neopren anprobieren (size zero).

Hier ein Kiteaufbau Tutorial von mir und das Buchcover, was hoffentlich bald eure Bücherregale zieren wird:

 

Thomas Schwieger - Kiten kann tödlich sein
Thomas Schwieger – Kiten kann tödlich sein

The wondrous effects of cycling in negative degrees

Do you belong, like me, to those people that cycle everywhere? Even in negative degrees? That moist their face with industrial strength grease so the head wind doesn’t burst the skin? When eventually getting to your destination, you tell everyone proudly but with a pain distorted face “you know, I cycled here”. (But they can’t tell who you are because you transformed into an icicle). Then these cartoons are for you! Hope your eye lashes aren’t frozen shut so you can look at them.

The wondrous effects of cycling in negative degrees:

cycling in minus degrees

bike cyclist road rage   schoen wetter radler hass   bladder infection from cycling   buying bobsled suit   crying while cycling

Berlin is the new New York – Pop-up Gallery

Berlin is the new New York is the name of next weekend’s exhibition with my artwork!

If I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere. Frank Sinatra famously sang in “New York, New York”. When I was a DJ, I prominently played the song at the end of the night to kick people out of the club. It’s a good song to hug each other when you can’t stand on your own. No matter how speech impaired, you can still shout the city’s name. It’s a good song to remind yourself “I’m not in New York. I’m in Buxtehude. I’m not making it there. But at least I can make it home now”. Good night.

 

If I can make it there, I can make it anywhere. Even onto this new collage.

 

Berlin versus New York

The other day I found the German version of the song’s famous quote. In a Berlin tourist shop I saw postcards, backpacks, mugs with the slogan: “If you can’t make it in Berlin, you won’t make it anywhere”. This is lived German pessimism versus American optimism. This is the German capital being humble at best. Focus on can’t. Try hard to not make it. At least then you know you never make it anywhere else. Besides, the level for “making it in Berlin” is so low already, it’s no accomplishment to make it out of bed at 3pm. Why reach for the stars if you can reach for dirt on the floor? Also, it’s not “I can make it anywhere”, it’s “You won’t make it anywhere”. I always had a problem with this German condescension.

 

 

Go and get that authentic Wenzel

People have compared Berlin to New York many times. I love both cities. “Berlin is the new New York” – that’s also the name of a pop-up gallery next weekend. I will be showing original artworks, hand-drawn cartoons, no computer stuff!
Where? At Blue Goat Gallery, Gleimstrasse 16, Berlin-Prenzlauer Berg
More info: Facebook Event

 

What it takes to make it as a comedian. In Berlin or New York. I will be showing this hand drawn cartoon next weekend. And more!

 

 

I will also show “Injured big city dogs”.